Manly to Metro: Macho Interrupted
Long gone are the days of smoking parlors and billiard rooms. Today, we live in an era of hair product and man bags. Even if you wanted to reconnect with the macho guy inside, it's going to be a lot more difficult than you think. If you're considering reclaming your manhood with any of the following, don't even bother...
#01
Tattoos
(Back in my day, we made tattoos with a blunt knife. Now kids just use a painless gun? They've never had it so good...)
#02
Piercings
(Once again, a blunt knife was employed. And again, replaced with a painless gun. We're noticing a trend here.)
#03
Pirates
(Facebook ruins everything.)
#04
Duels
(Now, the only people who have them are on a fencing team, and there's nothing remotely manly about a fencing team.)
#05
Hunting
(Thanks, John Kerry!)
#06
Leather
(We blame Freddie Mercury for this one.)
#07
Handlebar mustaches
(Ditto, Freddie Mercury.)
#08
Kicking ass
(That guy you're thinking about giving the what-for for looking at your girl is a personal injury lawyer.)
#09
Spitting
(Unsanitary...? More like Insanitary!)
#10
Motorcycles
(You say open road, I say mid-life crisis.)
#11
Pabst Blue Ribbon
(Hipsters also ruin everything.)
#12