Finding People Who Don't Want To Be Found


Fine. Make your phone number unlisted. Make your MySpace profile private. Go into the Witness Protection Plan. Do whatever you feel you need to do to not be found by others, but until they invent that invisible cloak you’ve been counting on, you’re gonna be found.

We’re sick of people thinking they’re too important for the rest of the world to know their whereabouts. We’re not trying to steal your identity, so just give it up and let us see your Facebook photos.

For those of you who don’t want to be found, too bad. We’re coming for you. For those of you who need to do some serious people finding, here are some tips on finding people who don’t want to be found:

#01

Scenario One – Myspace Lush


Your friend of a friend is a belligerent lush and after a night of being subjected to her as a member of your friend's birthday entourage, you want to see all five MySpace/Facebook photo albums she will have undoubtedly devoted to her drunken debauchery. You log on and run a search for her, and HURRAY - you found her profile! Your gossip glands salivate as you wait for the page to load when you suddenly realize, it's not that it's not loading – it's that it's a private page that will NEVER load because you're not one of her friends. "What?!?!" you scream to yourself incredulously. "Are you joking?" All you wanted was to see the embarrassing pictures! You don't actually want to be friends with this crazy attention whore. Shake it off. Take action. This will take some time, but it will be worth it once you are rolling on the ground laughing at those ridiculous pictures of her in unreasonable clubbing outfits and compromising situations.
-Create a new account (ok, it wasn't that complicated) where you pretend to be a hot guy she doesn't remember from the other night.

-Friend her with your undercover profile.

-Wait.

-Check if she's accepted friendship. If it's a go, then proceed to enjoy drunken photos.

-If she rejected friendship, you can try creating a newer and sneakier profile (i.e. old friend from High School), or find a friend who is friends with her on MySpace/Facebook and use their account.

#02

Scenario Two – Facebook Crush


You meet some cute boy or girl and you never exchanged info. Before you go crazy and start posting on Craigslist Missed Connections, there are some precautionary measures you need to take. First you need to look them up on Facebook and get their vitals. If this person's profile is not blocked, then check stats (if blocked, see Scenario One): -Hopefully it says single, and possibly "it's complicated." You definitely don't want them to be married, engaged, or in a relationship. (*Note: On MySpace there is the option of "swinger" which is rarely true, but rather a beard for a quasi-relationship that hasn't been defined yet. The Facebook version of this is when girls pretend to be in relationships with other girls but really aren't. They think it's cute, or even hot, but it's actually just annoying.)

-Be sure to check other areas of profile such as interests, music, and work info. Heck, you may even want to check your astrological compatibility. Anything to save yourself from a bad date, right?

-Find out if you have any mutual friends. If you discover mutual friends, ask if can log on under their name to read potentially private blogs and/or pictures. You may also discover that none of their friends look like people you'd like to hang out with. Imagine spending numerous weekends with the people you see leaving multiple comments on their page. Does that sound more like a good time, or more like Chinese water torture?

If everything seems cool, send them a message, friend them, or (commonly known as the most passive aggressive signature Facebook move) "poke" them.

#03

Scenario Three – Unlisted Craziness


The last thing we'll discuss is the mother of all annoyances: finding people with unlisted numbers. You need to find an old friend you lost touch with. You need to find a distant family member to tell them about the meager inheritance that Great-Aunt Millie left them. You are positive you want that guy's/girl's number you met at that shady dive bar you went to last week (and you can't find them on Myspace or Facebook!). Whatever the reason, you go to look up someone's number, only to find it unlisted. Seriously? We know they definitely don't want to be found, but that's too bad.

-Make sure that you, in fact, have their full name. It can be done, but it will be more difficult to track these suckers down if you don't have it.

-Try using Private Eye to find people and their unlisted numbers.

-While you're at it, you can also do background checks and other people searches on them. That way, when you call them, you'll know EVERYTHING about them.

-You can do the same people search and look up their address and just show up at their house. They'll be freaked out as hell, but I think it will get the point across: DON'T UNLIST YOUR NUMBER, JERKWAD. (Make them pay the plane fare you spent to get to Cincinnati.)