You're Convinced This Isn't Your Family: How to Find Your "Real Parents"
They talk to strangers in the mall. They stock up at Costco five years in advance. They think the Macarena is hip. Their pants ride just above the belly-button. They think a weekend in Palm Springs is a dream vacation. Their only source of news is the local paper. They think the Internet is a passing fad.
They are your parents, but you pray otherwise.
It’s inconceivable that these archaic lunatics created your flawless form. I mean, you don’t really look THAT much alike. It’s a definite possibility that you’re adopted... you hope. Here are some steps to finding the cool people who are your real parents.
#01
Attempt to manipulate your “adoptive” parents into telling you the truth.
-Hint around to the fact that you might be adopted. Try doing this over breakfast, or some other equally mundane activity. Maybe try asking your mother about her pregnancy with you. Can she give you straight forward and detailed answers? If she can’t, then you know something is up.
-Do an equally thorough interrogation with your father, perhaps over a bonding session. He’s more likely to tell you the truth in a vulnerable father-son moment.
#02
Stealthily check the office.
-Wait until your parents go to dinner, somewhere around 4pm. Look in the desk, and the file cabinet. You’re lucky your mother is paranoid of a surprise audit and keeps such immaculate records. Can you find your birth certificate? If you can, does it appear to be phony?
#03
Investigate online.
-That birth certificate you found feels funny, so go online and perform a birth search. These are real records and will uncover the truth about your birth and your potential real parents.
-While you’re at it, do a marriage search to find out if your parents are even really married. They’re probably living a lie because they killed people or something. Do a background check just to be sure; you’re really skeptical by now.
#04
Ok, so everything checks out so far, but that doesn’t mean anything.
-Make a list of all the people who could feasibly be your parents. These are probably people in the media with whom you feel an unexplainable connection, like only a parent-child can feel.
-You can also make a list of famous people who you look like. Try IMBD. But, it’s highly unlikely that your birth father is George Clooney.
#05