How to Find People (And Then Make Them Be Your Friend)

You graduated college a couple years ago now, and the real world is starting to take its toll. You’ve gotten used to a life of waking up early, going to bed even earlier, and not going out because it’s not within the confines of your meager budget. But what you weren’t even remotely ready for was all your friends from college moving away, getting married, or being too tired/old to go out anymore. This leaves you feeling more than a little lonely, and you panic. If you were unable to keep the friends you had, how the hell are you going to make new ones? Lucky for you, we’ve made a list methods by which you can connive otherwise unsuspecting folks into being your buddies, as well as all the best places in which to try them out. Get ready to start having something to do again on Saturday nights (besides your laundry).

#01

Actions: The Three B’s



-Bribery: This includes money, favors, etc. This is actually morally wrong, but if you can get past that fact, then by all means.

-Begging: Totally embarrassing and demeaning to your own character, but proven effective if used during times of extreme vulnerability.

-Brandy: Alcohol can find a friend in anyone. We find Courvoisier to be the best choice for finding a friend.

#02

If those don’t work for you, or if you have pride, then we have some other options:



-Flirting: We say yes to "friend flirting." This is a form of asexual flirtation. It’s harmless and effective. "Couple flirting" is even better whenever you have the opportunity. Double your pleasure. Double your friends.

-Casually Bumping into Someone While in Line: There is a slight chance they might be put off by the abrupt and unwarranted physical contact, but you can always just shrug your shoulders and give a half smile as if to say, "Gee gosh, I sure am clumsy." They might think this is funny and talk to you anyways.

-Rescuing Them From A Dangerous Situation: We’re not really sure how often this opportunity will arise, but it does happen. Someone gets mugged or beaten or whatever, like every minute. If you happen upon such a situation, and can help without getting yourself mugged too, the muggees will be totally indebted to you (and a guilt-induced friendship is better than no friendship).

-Gifts: You can never go wrong with good presents. Well, unless they’re really bad presents. Don’t do that.

-Compliments: This is genius because it’s borderline bribery without seeming like it. In exchange for their friendship, you tell them that those nasty streaky highlights look deceptively natural. Verbal gifts, if you will.

#03

Places: You want to find people in places where there is a wide selection to choose from. So, try to find a person in a crowded place.



-The Airport: There are lots of people to choose from here. It would be a bonus if you could meet someone foreign and not only make a friend, but find a new pen pal.

-The Library: There are lots of nice and well read people here. A plus is that they’re probably good listeners. *However, you won’t really be able to talk, and body language isn’t always the best form of communication. Also, if you’re only into books with pictures, you might end up with a new babysitting client instead of finding a friend.

- A Garage Sale: The people who frequent these places are full on scavengers. They’ll take anything, even your friendship... if you throw in the stained lampshade.

-Online: These days, you can find just about anyone online and get all their info, which can stealthily be sneaked into conversation "Wow, I didn’t know you liked macramé too! Must be a coincidence!" We’re big fans of Facebook and MySpace. Of course, before you go anywhere dark with them (like a bar, you sickos), you'll want to find those people on Private Eye. After all, they could have all kinds of professional licences you don't know about, and that's just not cool.

-Disneyland: If you can find someone who will not only go on "It's a Small World" with you, but then go spend $15 on Churros before heading over to the "Finding Nemo" ride, you've definitely got yourself a new friend for life. We know because it's nearly impossible to get our established friends to do this with us.

-Seedy Dive Bar: We had to state the obvious, and we aren’t guaranteeing the quality of friends you’ll find... but I’m sure you’ll find someone who will want to tell you their problems, which technically counts as a friend.