http://giantlists.com/ Giant Lists is the ridiculous truth exposed in a series of lists. Proceed with the knowledge that nothing is sacred: not cows, not anachronistic hipster rituals, not even beer. Also proceed with the knowledge that we have lists of lists. Visit the site browse the rest! /* DO NOT TOUCH ABOVE THIS LINE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/signs-of-young-republicans.php You're probably already pretty adept at avoiding right-wing nonsense. If Bill O'Reilly pops his ruddy face onto the TV screen, you know to change the channel. If Uncle Mike drinks too much at Thanksgiving and starts spouting off racial slurs you know it's time to go help with the dishes. But what if you've agreed to a date with a seemingly nice, upstanding young man and he turns out to be a total Republican? There are warning signs... #01 He wears a blue blazer and khaki Dockers everywhere.; #02 His imaginary friend was named Alex P. Keaton.; #03 He popped out of the womb in a polo shirt and perfectly combed hair.; #04 He is his own chastity belt. /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/ben-and-jerry-flavors.php Elton John joined the ranks of Phish and Jerry Garcia this week. No, not like that! We just meant he got his own Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor! Congratulations Elton on "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road." It's about time! But while there at it, there's a ton more celebrities well deserving of their own ice cream flavors. Here's a few of our favorites. #01 Brangelina Frangelica.; #02 Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange Sherbet.; #03 Avril Citrine.; #04 Chocolate Mousse-olini. /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/mccain-policies.php Early last week, John McCain railed against Russia for reducing oil supplies to Czechoslovakia. Some smarty-pants liberals got on his case since Czechoslovakia doesn't exist - so they say. Frankly, we thought it was about time a Presidential candidate stood up for a country that hasn't existed for 15 years. That's why we're excited about the rest of McCain's platform too. Check out what he plans to do once in office! #01 Increase sanctions on Persia. No unilateral talks with Darius.; #02 Attend the Pangaea Energy Summit.; #03 Negotiate free trade agreement with Silk Road merchants.; #04 Enact anti-trust legislation against the East India Company. /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/new-cast-for-the-dark-knight.php Yeah, yeah, yeah, The Dark Knight had the biggest opening weekend ever, Christopher Nolan is a genius, and Christian Bale is amazing, blah, blah, blah. We've heard it all. But that doesn't change the fact that everything was horribly, stupidly cast. No, seriously, they should have fired everyone and started from scratch. #01 Tony Blair as Alfred. (Yeah, he's the sensitive British butler. But it's not like Blair is working these days.); #02 Mrs. Larry Craig as Rachel Dawes. (The whole "I love Bruce Wayne, but I know you're really Batman" thing would have been much more convincing done by Mrs. Larry Craig - not sure why.); #03 Hannah Montana as Two-Face. (Cause she lives a double life too, you know?) #04 Barack Obama as Lucius Fox. (Not because they're both black, but because when Lucius sees the huge cell phone spying machine, he takes a stand against it. Just like Barack Obama - oh wait.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/animal-skills.php When we read this news story about walking catfish startling local residents, we were dumbfounded. What's so startling about catfish? Then we realized that those silly local residents had no idea that fish could walk! Man do they have egg on their face! Anyway, just so you won't be startled by animals doing what comes naturally, we composed this handy list of little-known animal skills for your reference. #01 Grasshoppers have perfect pitch. (And you thought they were just good at percussion.); #02 Contrary to all popular opinion, pandas - not so good at the martial arts... Just think of the kids! (They tend to carry tasers instead.); #03 Horses are really good at calculus. (No, seriously, they'll have differentials done before you've even pulled out your calculator.) #04 Frog parties are hopelessly dull. (However much alcohol you're planning to bring - double it.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/jimmy-and-sarah-should-reconcile.php When we heard Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman had broken up, we were heartbroken. We couldn't believe it. We felt lost. All we wanted to do was put on our fat pants and eat a lot of Ben & Jerry's. Seriously. They need to get back together - and fast. Here's why. #01 More "I'm f*cking someone" music videos. (Yeah, this was their most famous gag, but there were so many more famous twosomes they could have done: Steven Spielberg & George Lucas, Ben & Jerry, Tom & Jerry, etc.); #02 The kids! Just think of the kids! (No, they haven't had any kids yet. That's exactly the problem!); #03 It will ruin the Emmys. (The Emmys will become a grudgefest where we all focus on who snagged the hotter date instead of the - uh - important stuff.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/john-mccain-is-too-old.php Presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain may be a lot of things, but the overriding factor is his age. Yes, McCain is older that time itself, it seems. Concurrently his age has become a hot button issue in the current campaign, leading us to wonder just what things John McCain is too old for. #01 Receive a blood transfusion. (His blood type predates current human evolution.); #02 Mosh. (He was too old for this when moshing was invented.); #03 Participate in a hot dog eating contest. (Unless they are liquefied hot dogs.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/dont-make-this-at-home.php Yes, there are countless things you shouldn't try at home. The obituaries are full of them. However, we feel compelled to point out that there's also a heck of a lot of things you shouldn't make at home either. Here's a sampling. #01 Bridges. (We promise there's a better way to get from your house to your shed.); #02 Diamonds. (Hate to break it to you: no matter how many mattresses you put on top of that charcoal, it won't become bright and shiny.); #03 Bombs. (Should go without saying, but probably doesn't.); #04 Memos. (If you do, you're a passive-aggressive roommate, and everyone secretly hates you.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/questionable-baby-names.php Nicole Kidman gave birth to Sunday earlier this week. No, not the day of the week. She's not some Greek Goddess who births the sun from within her womb. We mean that she gave birth to a baby girl and decided to name her Sunday. What is it with temporal names, anyway? (Mothers of Junes, Easters, and Summers - we're also talking to you.) Couldn't you have bothered to think of your kid's name prior to, say, going into labor? Anyway, as far as wacky celebrity kid's names go, consider yourself lucky. It could have been worse... #01 Princess Tiaamii. (Peter Andre and Jordan came up with Tiaamii by combining their mothers' names "Thea" and "Amy." Call us crazy, but wouldn't that make it "Theaamy?" Frankly, she'd get teased less if she were called "The Amy."); #02 Apple. (Gwyneth Paltrow said she chose the name of her daughter because it was Biblical. Um, we hate to bring this up, but an "apple" is never actually mentioned in that story.); #03 Heaven Love'on Stone. (The real question here is: Who let Lil' Mo procreate?); #04 Brooklyn. (Note to David and Victoria Beckham who are foreigners and may not know this: Yes, the borough is now hip - but not *that* hip.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/ever-wonder-why.php We here at Giant Lists relish in the little idiosyncrasies of modern life. You see, most of the aphorisms people spout off and many of the truths they hold to be self-evident actually make us cock our heads and furrow our brows. So, while our prime directive is to amuse our readers, we also hope to expand your mind along the way - we've designed this list to do just that. Take a look, and prepare to have your minds blown. #01 You stop to watch "Back to the Future" every time it's on cable, even though you've owned the DVD for five years and never once popped it in?; #02 Wednesdays are longer than every other day of the week? (Hump Day my ass.); #03 You're totally willing to pay five bucks for a beer at the bar, but you get completely indignant about paying eight bucks for a six-pack? (We don't care if it has the alcohol volume of vodka!); #04 You get your best ideas in the shower, but then can't remember any of them once you're out? (Someone once invented a waterproof writing tab and pen to write these things down... but they were in the shower, so...) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/things-not-to-say-to-the-brides-mom.php It's wedding season, so you know what that means? Open bars! Just a word of warning, regardless of how many signature Lavender Vodkas you've downed, don't even try saying any of these following statements to the mother of the bride. No matter how tame they seem at the time, you'll soon bear the wrath of a matriarch upon you - and you don't want that. Because, after all, we all know it's really HER wedding. #01 I'm so delighted she moved past that "experimental" stage in college.; #02 The groom has certainly regained his mobility since they removed that ankle bracelet.; #03 Man, I'm glad someone finally took her.; #04 I'm so happy to see you here! I honestly thought you'd never forgive your daughter after that streaking incident in college. /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/least-favorite-things-about-summer.php Everyone loves the summer. It's a time of warmth and bounty, of peaches and popsicles. Even if you live in a place where summer weather is around 365 days a year, there's just something special about that day in June when the calendar announces that summer has finally arrived. But not everything about summer is great, which is why we've written this list of things we personally dislike about the summertime: #01 Pool parties. (Great until some kid chips his tooth on the diving board and everyone gets yelled at by his mother.); #02 Summer vacation. (Jeez, where did all these kids come from?); #03 Movies. (If it's released in summer, you can sure that it has a huge budget and no script.); #04 Pie-eating contests. (It's all fun and games until somebody pukes strawberry funnel cake into the cherry filling.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/we-also-hate-it-when.php We may already havelist detailing the many things the GL staff hates, but there's always room in our empty hearts for more. #01 The drugs are all gone and the sun's coming up. And that sketchy guy keeps talking and talking about mortality.; #02 The person in front of you makes a right turn from the middle of the lane, reeaaallllyyyyy sllooowwwwlllllyyyyyy, causing you to miss the green light.; #03 A band's fans ruin their music for you.; #04 You're shopping for clothes, and the person next to you follows you around looking at EVERYTHING you looked at. /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/other-dirty-words.php As we mourn the passing of George Carlin this week, we fondly remember his "7 Dirty Words" that can never appear on television. And we have to agree with Carlin on this one: why those words? Seriously, if we're going to ban any words from television, we think we should start from this list. #01 You got it, dude! (Michelle Tanner, we're talking to you.); #02 Fierce. (Unless you're talking about being on safari, we're so over it.); #03 You're fired! (Funny, we didn't think Donald Trump was compelling before he had his own TV show - and we still don't.); #04 Fair and Balanced. (It's not the politics we quibble with - it's Bill O'Reilly's mental stability that clearly isn't balanced.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/annoying-customers.php Working retail is an absolute joy and pleasure. In fact, it would be the greatest job in the world except for the customers. It seems that some people have the peculiar affliction of becoming completely entitled and utterly selfish the moment they step into a store, thus making the life of a haplessly underpaid associate hellish and trying. To avoid creating a toxic environment that will surely come back and bite you in the ass at the cashier's station, there are a few things you, the customer, can avoid doing to keep on the good side of retail associates everywhere. #01 Chatting on the phone while checking out. (Hang up the damn phone! Can you hear me now? Good.); #02 Watch your kid. (Yes, I'll make sure your kid doesn't rip the store apart if you give me babysitting money.); #03 Saying, "I'm never going to shop here again!". (Like I care. I make $6.25 an hour.); #04 Standing around waiting for someone to come help you. (We're standing around waiting for you to come ask.) /* END ARTICLE */ /* THIS IS WHERE YOU PUT AN ARTICLE (copy and past above to create new article) */ http://giantlists.com/alien-overlords.php A new crop circle was discovered near Barbury Castle in England recently and has been described as the most "complex" crop circle to date, since it graphically represents the first 10 digits of pi. Man! You've got to hand it to our alien overlords. They are trying so hard to get our attention - and still we dismiss their painstaking labor as merely the work of bored hillbillies (or whatever). Oh well, nothing new. They've been trying to get our attention for centuries. Here's a list of their other failed attempts. #01 UFO Sightings. (It's not that drunken rednecks - and Dennis Kucinich - are the only ones who have seen them, they're just the only ones that noticed!); #02 Pyramids. (Sure, enslaved Egyptians made them. That makes a lot of sense.); #03 Alf. (He had primetime TV coverage and everything!); #04 Phosphenes. (You know those colors you see when you close your eyes? That's totally them!) /* END ARTICLE */