Favorite Places to Show Up Uninvited
#01
Ex-Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Wedding
(Unless you’re going dramatic and pulling a Dustin Hoffman, we suggest refraining from showing up a hysterical wreck. However, if you are going to show up a messy ball of tears, then at least be clandestine about it and hide in the corner behind the ice sculpture depiction of the happy couple. Of course, you could always arrive drunk out of your mind with old pictures of the two of you taped to you clothes while singing Mariah Carey's "You'll Always Be My Baby" into a mimed microphone.)
#02
Bar/Bat Mitzvahs
(If you are not actually thirteen years old, you're going to have a really hard time explaining how you're related to the Goldfarbs. But, we encourage you to throw on a yarmulke, enjoy the buffet, and boogie down until someone finds you and throws you out.)
#03
Country Club
(This one is easy. Go to your local thrift store and pick up some quality old people clothes. We suggest anything argyle, and a Member’s Only jacket wouldn’t hurt either. Throw in a faux posh accent, a pretentious attitude, and you’re all set to tee off. Just make sure to baptize yourself with new club nick names like Mitzy and Chip, and they won’t figure it out for at least nine holes.)
#04
Distant Relative’s Home
(Your great-uncle's cousin's nephew's ex-wife just happens to live alone in a sweet Manhattan penthouse. True, she isn't technically part of the family, and she hasn't seen you since you were in diapers, but family is family. She'd love a surprise, and possibly long-term, visit from her... well the relationship is definitely ambiguous, but still just present enough.)
#05
Co-Worker’s Party
(You heard him talking about having a few people over, just some wine, cheese, and possibly charades. You weren’t technically invited, but he was talking loud enough for you to hear, so that constitutes a formal invitation. It’s fine. You’ll bring over some string cheese and High Life.)
#06
Significant Other's Work While He or She is Working Late
(Just make sure you bring food or something, so you don’t look like the jealous/insecure stalker you are.)
#07
Movie Premier
(Get dressed up in your Sunday's best and own that red carpet. Smile for the cameras and wave. It might work until Ryan Seacrest asks you who you are wearing and you reply, "Old Navy.")
#08
Friend's Honeymoon
(What? You just happened to be in San Tropez at the same time as them. And what a coincidence that you don't have a place to stay and they've got that large honeymoon suite?!)
#09