Ways to Defend Against Cheerleader Attacks
With videotaped cheerleader attacks on the rise, we thought it was our social responsibility to provide you with this list of ways to defend against packs of roving cheerleaders.
#01
Avoid malls.
(As though you didn't have enough reasons already.)
#02
Garlic, crosses, holy water.
(The usual suspects.)
#03
If you're going to steal someone's prom date, make sure he's with you at all times.
(Boys Night Out? Who does he think he is? You didn't steal him for that bullsh*t.)
#04
Gum.
(It's kind of like a peace pipe. Offer it up, and they know you mean no harm.)
#05
Be suspicious of all video cameras.
(No, I don't want to be on America's Next Top Model, thanks.)
#06
Join the cheerleading team!
(Like they say, "If you join them, then you can beat them!" - wait, no.)
#07
Keep all that second-wave feminism talk to yourself.
(Nothing gets a cheerleader hotter under the collar than an ill-timed Betty Friedan reference.)
#08
Glasses, ponytail, library card.
(It's a lot like cowering in front of a grizzly bear. If they already think you're dead...)
#09
Carry your own camera at all times.
(Join yearbook if you have to.)
#10
Carry a concealed weapon at all times.
(No, not like Columbine. More like - oh, never mind, it's a terrible idea.)
#11
If you're going to hook up with the quarterback, make sure he can keep a secret.
(In other words, don't hook up with the quarterback.)
#12