Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
#01
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it!"
#02
"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cause the dude didn't even get his degree."
#03
"It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?"
#04
"I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said, 'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did, and it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were."
#05
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying: 'Here, you throw this away.'"
#06
"I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something."
#07
"I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say, 'You don't know how hard it is to stop smoking.' Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. 'You seem jittery.' Yeah, I'm about to floss."
#08
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
#09
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator temporarily out of order' sign, just 'Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
#10
"I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
#11
"...And then at the end of the letter I like to write PS - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
#12
"My roommate says, 'I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first."
#13