How to Get Banned From WAL-MART


Any fool with a hoodie or a trenchcoat can get kicked out. Getting banned takes true imagination. Here's some suggestions.

#01

Add groceries to others' carts.


(Condoms work well. Hemorrhoid cream. Adult diapers. Basically, anything from the toiletries section.)

#02

Set the alarm clocks.


(They're on display for a reason. Maybe each one should go off five minutes apart?)

#03

Set the clock radios.


(These need to go on at the same time. Different stations.)

#04

Tell a busy employee there's been a "Code 10 in Aisle 3."


(An orange alert? An incident? A situation? Try them all.)

#05

Cover yourself in fake blood.


(Use your imagination. If you forget it at home, ketchup is an acceptable substitute and readily available at all WAL-MARTs.)

#06

Layaway anything that costs less than $3.00.


(Maybe a deck of cards. Insist you'll be back next week - and no, you want that pack!)

#07

Set up camping equipment.


(You might want to check before lighting the campfire though.)

#08

If you're asked if you need some help, start to cry.


("More help than you can imagine..." *SOB SOB SOB*)

#09

Use security cameras as a mirror.


(Check your hair. Your nose hair, whatever.)

#10

Hum loudly.


(Mission Impossible theme works great. Also, It's A Small World.)

#11

Hide in clothing racks, and pretend to be a lost child.


(Or just grab ankles.)

#12

When fitting room attendants ask if she can get you anything say, "Yes, toilet paper."


#13

Two words: Bouncy Balls.


#14

Take a lawn chair to the magazine section. Relax.


(If it's hot outside, grab the magazine and lawn chair and head to the frozen food aisle.)

#15

Set up valet parking.


(What, no tip?)

By Leonard H.