Little-Known Animal Skills
When we read this news story about walking catfish startling local residents, we were dumbfounded. What's so startling about catfish? Then we realized that those silly local residents had no idea that fish could walk! Man do they have egg on their face! Anyway, just so you won't be startled by animals doing what comes naturally, we composed this handy list of little-known animal skills for your reference.
#01
Grasshoppers have perfect pitch.
(And you thought they were just good at percussion.)
#02
Contrary to all popular opinion, pandas - not so good at the martial arts...
(They tend to carry tasers instead.)
#03
Horses are really good at calculus.
(No, seriously, they'll have differentials done before you've even pulled out your calculator.)
#04
Frog parties are hopelessly dull.
(However much alcohol you're planning to bring - double it.)
#05
Llamas have dazzling fashion sense.
(Don't be silly, llamas don't wear clothes! But if you hire one as your personal stylist, they'll put Project Runway to shame.)
#06
Alpacas have a nose for interior design.
(Hey, if we got llamas and alpacas together, we could totally have a reality show: The Pack Animal Eye for the Straight Guy!)
#07
Camels, unlike their distant cousins, have no special talent for anything.
(No, burping the alphabet backwards doesn't count.)
#08
Opossums sleep a lot.
(Oh, you already knew that? Well, who's the smarty-pants now, huh?)
#09
Pigs fly.
(Okay, no, they don't. We were just making sure you were paying attention.)
#10
Penguins don't need to fly, because they've invented supersonic teleportation machines.
(What? Just because you've never seen it, you think it doesn't exist? You've never seen the South Pole either. So there.)
#11
Wombats are fantastic chefs.
(We personally have never had the honor. Stupid food allergies.)
#12
Giraffes are voracious readers.
(But only if it has pictures in it - or if it's written by Noam Chomsky.)
#13
Gerbils are responsible for 37% of the email spam you receive.
(Yeah, that didn't really surprise us either.)
#14
Orangutans are excellent fishermen.
(Most impressively, they've driven traditional fishermen out of business and now run most Vietnamese tilapia farms, but they use baby orangutan labor, so please don't buy Vietnamese farmed tilapia.)
#15
Storks bring babies.
(They actually eat babies, but nevermind.)
#16
Goldfish are excellent navigators.
(Forgetting where you are two seconds after you arrive is great for passenger morale.)
#17
Platypus are poisonous.
(This happens to be true, believe it or not.)
#18